Greetings, mortals!

Through the echoing halls of altered perception do I hear your cries! Whispering like the winds across the golden sands from Ombos to Nubia, like fingers gliding across curves of flesh that bring to mind the shapely borders of the Nile!

Yes, my loyal followers, Mighty Set, Sutekh of the Underworld, has journeyed through the chaos and storm again to bring hope to the hopeless, joy to the joyless, clues for the clueless, and booze for those who "forgot their ID at home and look young but are TOTALLY 21, dude, it's cool, for realz".

You pray for answers, wisdom, guidance and earth-shattering orgasms, and Set is here to make those prayers and dreams reality - sometimes two or three times a night, maybe more if I'm chasing Vicodin with Viagra.

To my most beloved Dark One,

A humble servants begs for her Master's words of wisdom. there is a man that i desire above all else. he is pure of heart (or so he claims) and something within me -must- corrupt him. So far i have been unable to find his weakness. What is the key to the depths of a man's most dark desires? i await your wise words and guidance...

- anqet

Ahh, dear follower - in seeking anonymity you have done well in choosing an alias!

Ahh, Anuket...those were some good times. Fertility goddess. And the personification of the Nile! I mean, c'mon! A river goddess! She's always wet! Seriously, no waiting! I digress!

False Anqet - you pose an excellent query. For too long the lies about the way to a man's heart being his stomach have been propagated by the ignorant, unwashed masses. One look at the lineup at McDonalds will prove that most men are already taking that matter into their own hands. If you know what I mean. And I think you do. Masturbation.

So yes, dear False Anqet, you have minded your path well in taking these tentative steps to TRULY owning and commanding the heart of your lust object. A pure heart is an empty heart, and an empty heart must runneth over with steaming hot love!

The first thing you must do in order to properly bring this creature into the fold, so to speak, is to observe him in a carefully arranged controlled environment. We will invoke the Scientific Method and introduce the subject to a particular setting and monitor how he reacts.

For this first experiment, I recommend
The Big Party.

First, acquire a recording device of some kind - tape recorder, digital audio recorder, or similar device. Establish a minimum safe distance and do not break it.

Over the course of The Big Party, you will proceed to get well and truly trashed. Nevertheless, you must remain vigilant and record everything that you observe about your subject: behaviour, posture, drinking habits, friends, acquaintances, reactions to advances from others (excluding yourself, False Anqet! You must have a modicum of patience, for this night you are playing the role of the passive observer so that in the future your subject may play the role of active oral sex provider).

When you have regained the full use of your faculties (five or six days following The Big Party, if you coordinated The Big Party correctly), analyze your data. (As an aside, a notebook is inadequate for this kind of work, as you will likely lose the use of your hands about halfway through The Big Party if you are doing The Big Party correctly).

How did the subject react? Was he wooed by the advances of other participants? If so, he may not be as pure as you were inclined to believe. Did he imbibe alcohol, narcotics, prescription drugs, over the counter cough syrup, household cleaning agents, amphibian excretions, or other mind or body affecting substances? If so, how long did his willpower hold out? If not, was it because you did not have enough substances on hand? And if you did have enough substances on hand, who is your supplier? Because I'm always looking for new names to add to my book of suppliers.

Where was I? Ah yes! Once the data has been analyzed, you should have a significant amount of material to work with regarding your masturbatory fantasy object. Which means you are ready for Step The Second.

Lure the poor, doomed soul to your dwelling under false pretenses. Bible Study, Abstinence Anniversary Celebratory Dinner, or Kevin Sorbo Movie Marathon are all good suggestions for drawing in the pure, misguided and naive.

Once your subject is within your domicile, he will likely wonder where the other guests are. Provide him with your most potent lies - You don't know, Car trouble, Irritable Bowel, All killed in a freak cholera outbreak...these are all excellent ideas. Try to put his mind at ease. Allow him to get comfortable on the couch. Offer him drinks. If he resists alcohol, offer him water or fruit juice. When he finally relents, use your sojourn to the kitchen to get the handcuffs and silk rope you have stashed there in preparation for this meeting.

Instead of returning with the promised refreshments, creep up behind your subject and bind him to the couch. Use the handcuffs to minimize struggling.

An alternate method here is to pretend you have dropped something under the couch, and when you stoop in front of him to retrieve it, draw the handcuffs from their hiding place beneath the couch and cuff his ankles together. This will prevent him from running away, and will buy you ample time to carefully secure his wrists.

And with your lust object bound in your home, the doors locked and the threat of disturbance orchestrated to the absolute minimum, you are ready for the final component, the true answer to your question, False Anqet:

To truly glean the darkest desires of your subject is folly! If your subject is pure of heart, then he has no dark desires to draw out!

Therefore, your only course of action is to force YOUR darkest desires upon HIM, over and over and over again until he is reduced to a trembling, flaccid shell of a man, and you crawl off of him, knees shaking, heart racing, the culmination of your hard work running down your thighs, clinging to your chin, and mixing with the sweat on your glistening cleavage.

Yes, False Anqet, once he has been properly introduced to the darkest desires of a loyal follower, then, and ONLY then, will his shattered mind begin to rebuild itself in my terrible image, formulating carnal dreams and narcotic cocktails of it's own.

Only then will he be prepared to embrace MY throbbing glory, and it will be YOUR responsibility to convince him that my glory can be found within YOUR willing orifices!

So it is said, so shall it be done! In accordance with the prophecy, I command you to heed my wise teachings and to forward all video footage to ME, so that I may be certain you have done my bidding to the letter! (If you have any hot friends, I suggest you get them to handle the camera, as you will likely have your hands full!)



Send Your Questions (and pornographic home videos) To Set!
dearset@gmail.com

Greetings, mortals!

For you, many days have passed since last I graced you with my awe-inspiring presence and fearsome manhood.

Time as you earthly beasts know it is such a fickle thing! A day to you is like the blink of an eye to me! A week on earth is but a pensive moment in Duat! A year of growth, change and earthly delights is like a weekend bender fueled by cheap hooch and mountains of opium, ending in a tremendous orgy that shakes the desert and stirs sandstorms from Ombos to...I don't know...Tutun...that ends in a group orgasm that shakes the pillars of heaven!

Oh yeah, that's good. What was I saying? Right! Two years later for you horrible, aging things! When truly you embrace The Big Party you will never grow old, and you'll never die.

Wait, no, that's The Lost Boys.

When truly you embrace The Big Party, you will wreck shit up, BIG TIME! And have no recollection of it the next morning!

And that is pretty much why it has taken me so long to hear the calling of your collective voices, to stir myself back to lucidity (and turgidity, for those of you who are interested) and to answer this plea for aid:

Dear Set,

I am 19 years old and have been a member of the sisterhood for a year now. It has been a long year doing God's work. Helping orphans raising funds for the church. It has been hard work, but it was worth it. Or so I thought. Recently, I ran into some of my friends from high school and they were telling me about their lives. It made me begin to wonder if I was missing something in life. I've tried to put it out of my mind but it keeps coming back to haunt me. By giving my life to God have I missed out on some important things in life? I haven't even known the touch of a man, let alone the miracle of childbirth. Are there more things I am missing out on due to the call of God If I have these kinds of questions, what should I do?

Distraught in God's Temple

My dear child, first allow me to forgive you for writing to me. You must be 21 now, which is good and legal in every part of the world, and thus you should have known better than to write to me until this time. But it's okay - Set loves you...deeply...repeatedly...um...and I forgive you.

Second, I will also forgive you for not attaching photos of yourself. This manner of advice is extraordinarily difficult without some sort of visual starting point. For the purposes of this column, I will be imagining you as a blonde-haired lass, pure of heart, and clothed in a form-fitting latex habit. I'm pretty sure that's what most women of the cloth wear these days. If you aren't wearing such garments, I recommend you speak to your superior, as your sisterhood is behind in the times.

For more information on how Set, Egyptian Lord of the Underworld can modernize your church, nunnery, convent, monastery, bath house, massage parlour, place of worship or whorehouse, please send $5 to Set, PO Box 462, Ombos, Egypt

Now that that is out of the way, take my hand my young, pure, clean girl and let us seek out the answers together. To begin, I will answer you last question first: If you have these kinds of questions, what should you do?

My child, you have already done what you need to do - you have put your faith and trust in ME, Set, the Dark Father, and laid your soul bare. So now we can proceed to laying the rest of you bare.

I know your concern, as I have felt it in many of my own followers! The exclusive worship of a singular deity is a difficult decision to make, and an even more difficult choice to adhere to. In these modern times you have it very easy, as your options are quite limited. At the height of Egypt's power (or Rome's or Greece's, for that matter) there were vast pantheons to choose from - how could anyone just pick one where they all look (and taste...) so good?

Have you missed out on important things in life by giving your life to God? DEFINITELY!

I met that guy a few times - what a DICK. He's all, "I love you" and "Trust in me for I am the Alpha and the Omega". But then does he call the next day? NO. And let me tell you, the time between the Alpha and the Omega is pretty brief. Definitely not worth the prep time or the cost of the lube.

Perhaps the better question to ask yourself is, "What has God given to me?"

You've given him money (raising funds for the church), followers (helping orphans), faith and time. And what has been your earthly reward? Inner turmoil. Feelings of loss and emptiness. Abstinence from the delights that earthbound existence offers.

Yes, DiGT - hmm...your acronym is awful. I shall assign you a new name.

Yes, Latex Nun, you have missed much by giving your life to God, because the Judeo-Christian God is the wrong one. You speak to him, but he doesn't listen.

But Set listens.

Yes, Latex Nun, I have much to offer you in exchange for...paltry, nearly insignificant sacrifices on your behalf.

Renounce your devotion to the so-called "One True God" (One True Ego is more like it!) and put your faith - and supple, young flesh - in Set's hands!

But Set, I hear you ask, how shall I do this?

Ah, children, gather 'round and I will impart to you an easy to follow guide to accepting Set as your personal Dark Father.

Step 1: Renounce your faith to your current deity of choice. Call Him, Her or It a "rotten bastard". Give them the finger. Thrust your pelvis in an obscene manner while blaspheming.

Step 2: Touch yourself in an impure manner. Take photos of the act. Forward copies to dearset@gmail.com

Step 3: Call up all your friends (anyone who will listen) and tell them that they are invited to The Big Party.(Forward invitations to dearset@gmail.com).

Step 4: Steal all the communion wine you can get your hands on. It's cool, Jesus can make more. They won't miss it.

Step 5: The Big Party.

But what, you ask, should The Big Party entail? That is up to you, my child. Just hold The Big Party in my name, and all will become clear to you (for a little while...after a few bottles of that communion wine, things will no longer be very clear, but that's okay).

There! Set's word is spoken, let Set's will be done!

I will entail to answer more of your questions, but Set cannot make any promises!




Send Your Questions (and naked photos) To Set!
dearset@gmail.com

Greetings, mortals!

Long do you toil and slave under the sun and the snow; waiting, anxiously stroking yourself in desperate anticipation! Your Dark Father, Mighty Set, hears your cries for aid and release, and lo do I endeavour to answer you!

This query has waited for many of your moons for an answer, and today Him Who Is Called Sutekh will ejaculate an answer into your wide open, hungry minds!

Dear Set,

Bast seems pretty hot, but I get the feeling she could kick my ass.
What about you, would you tap that? Or is she just trouble?

Steve B.

Ah, loyal follower Steve, long have you pondered this aeons old question. Let it be known that Set regrets making you wait - because this is an excellent question, and just thinking about it is giving me a serious cobra if you know what I mean!

Ah, Bast. Good old Bast.

For starters (or, perhaps more accurately, for you lazy bastards who haven't bothered to follow the tenets of your faith and done some proper research on the Egyptian pantheon), let us begin, children, by looking at who exactly Bast is.

...

Hold on, hold on. I have to clear my terrifying mind - I swear to Me, I am so high I am seeing shit right now.

Okay, Bast is a goddess of the sun (which pretty much means she starts her day by getting jammed by Ra). She's also a goddess of war, which means she's aggressive.

The Dark Father doesn't mind telling you, aggressive girls are great in the sack (or on the ground, or against the wall, or behind a dumpster, or...well, you get the idea).

Anyway, she made a name for herself by defending lower Egypt from what the FOOLISH, DOOMED INFIDELS arbitrarily deemed vermin. Short version: she killed snakes (or, rather, her followers did).

Also, Bast is a catgirl. And that's hot. See here, here and here for some examples.

Hot, right? I know!

The last thing you need to know about Bast is that Bast eventually became Bastet, which made her the goddess of ointments. Now, as you are all probably not aware (but don't worry, trust in me and invite me over some time and I will give you experience), sometimes there can be chafing. That can hurt. WELL, let me tell you what: the goddess of ointments? Oh yeah. No more chafing, baby!

So let's see where we're at so far, shall we?

Sun Goddess: Bad
Kills Snakes: Bad
war Goddess: Hot
Catgirl: Hot
Ointment Goddess: Slippery

We're 3 for 5 so far!

Also, Bast is sort of the wife of Anubis, and Anubis is my kid. I taught Anubis everything I know (that ungrateful little jackoff!), so it stands to reason that if she likes what he can do, she'll super-extra like what I can do, right?

So, loyal Steven and other children, to answer your question: yes, Bast could definitely kick your ass. But Set would tap that.

Also, just to mix things up, Set would also tap you. Let's all get together sometime!

But Mighty Set, I hear you calling, when would be a good time to get together for a going all 'fingercuffs' with Bast?

Steve B. - It is Set's will - NAY! It's is The Dark Father's Holy COMMANDMENT - that you immediately being organizing The Big Party. Get a bunch of booze, a couple of keys of snow white, and a whole shitload of catnip, and we'll see where the night takes us!

So Set Commands, So Shall It Be Done, In Accordance With The Prophecy!

Now, get shitfaced and send me more questions! Him Who Is of Great Strength Commands You!



Send Your Questions To Set!
dearset@gmail.com

Greetings mortals!

For the last few nights I have sat in wait. Hoping in vain for you to all realize the mighty, throbbing wisdom of my columns here. Hoping that my many worshippers would ascend to the glory of the Big Party, in accordance with the prophecy!

I have weathered the virginal whimperings of your many letters, finding in them only more reason to intoxicate myself (not that I am complaining, mind you)!

And yet! Here I find myself having found more worshippers, in thanks to the missions my loyal followers have decided to partake upon! Set, God of the Underworld, praises your dedication to the Big Party! The new, virginal members to my faith must now have their advice-needing cherries popped!

I was driven lucid recently by a missive sent by none other than one of my official fan club members! BEHOLD!

Dear Set;
i repent that i havent written soon.. but i'm dying.. my faith in you has failed me for the last time... please help by sending a big party.
;SetMember #488593 (since 1977)

...

As I said, I was driven lucid by the missive... and lo! It was horrible! Please make note, followers, that I shall be asking questions through my club to determine just WHO allowed such a crisis of faith that it had to be dealt with by the Dark Lord himself! Make note that head will have to be given in payment!

But I digress. Onward to the letter!

So, Member #488593.... or, for the sake of ease... SM. First, in order to achieve repentance for not having written earlier, I will demand you mail me THREE young nubile virgins. One to seduce, one to sacrifice... and the other, well for me to do whatever the hell I WANT! Please postmail the virgins to:

Set, God of Darkness
P.O. Box 462
Ombos, Egypt

Now, did I not say that this was an ADVICE column? Yet, you dare to make a request of me?! Nevermind, we'll get to the 'advice' which I see you to be in such desperate need of. I shall always ensure that my followers make their way on my road of orgasmic bliss.

You ask me for a Big Party? Poor boy, you should know by now that I cannot SEND you a big party! You must WILL it into being! Surely, such a veteran member of my followers would be aware of this! It is the only way for you to ascend on my Path!

Furthermore, exactly what position in my organization DO you hold, young mortal? I would have made the queries myself, but there are far to many virginal members of my followers to penetrate on a nightly basis for me to bother with the menial, un-arousing details. ANYWAY.

I leave you with this pulsating column for now, followers. Remember that the Dark Lord's hunger is constant, and I am in need of even MORE young nubile worshippers! Spread the word of my Engorged glory and advice! Prove to me the skill and greatness of my many members! Send me more questions! Go forth and do as I say!


Send Your Questions To Set!
dearset@gmail.com

Greetings mortals!
After a lengthy, highly medicated absence, I have returned!
Kneel and worship at my serpent!

For many moons I have heard your calling - your pleading for guidance, your begging for advice, and your skull-numbingly insulting questions that are clearly intended only to waste my time!

I'm a god of darkness! I have important things to do! Important things to drink! Important things to snort! Important people to molest!
But enough! I thought you were ready to be left on your own, to seek my strength within yourselves but I see I was mistaken!

YOUR DARK FATHER HAS RETURNED!

Appease me with gifts of gold and fellatio, and in turn I will answer your many queries!

Such as this one: (Sweet, merciless ME! This query is almost as ancient as the sands of Ombos!)

Majesty,

Hyopthetically, if one were to own a deli, and wish to name a sandwich after you, what would you desire to be on said sandwich?

Your servant,
Ed Staples

...I came all the way back to a lucid state...FOR THIS?

Do you know how long it takes to metabolize 69 pounds of pure Columbian...NEVER MIND!

First of all...Ed...if that is your real name...the Dark Father is a strong proponent of proper spelling. In the future, you will spell check all of your missives with the utmost of care. Or else I will put the wild hyenas on you and command them - COMMAND THEM - to gnaw your genitals into scraps of deli-owner JERKY.

HYPOTHETICALLY, if there were a HYPOTHETICAL sandwich named after me, it would be loaded with lettuce and that special sauce that Horus always puts on my lunch. I don't know. I think it's mayonnaise. And jackal. A nice roast jackal makes a damn fine sandwich worthy of Set's name.

That's right Anubis! I went there, you bastard!

And so, Ed Staples, this wondrous sauce-and-lettuce laden delectable would be best known as "THE TYPHON" - and it would carry a warning to all who would dare seek out it's delicious secrets.

And that warning would be "MAY CAUSE THE MEAT SWEATS".

As a hypothetical deli owner, dear Ed, I am certain that you are intimately familiar with the meat sweats, and your Dark Father, I, Set, God of Darkness, extend to you my sympathies. For even I, in my god-like largeness, have known the abdominal horrors that only meat overdoses can bring.

There! As promised, so has it come to pass! Your Dark Father is back, and the rest of your questions will be answered swiftly. So send more!


Send Your Questions To Set!
dearset@gmail.com

Greetings, mortals!

Through the darkness and shadow, I have heard the voices of my loyal followers! The whispers in the night, the cries for salvation! The endless requests to make a beer run for minors, because none dare ask the voice of thunder for proof of age!

I have heard your callings, my children, and now I come before you again to expose you to my throbbing, enormous wisdom! Open wide your mouths and drink deep of my steaming knowledge!

Dear Set,

Who would win in a fight? You or Cthulhu?

-HUMMER

Ahhh, HUMMER. Again you come before me, seeking my guidance, struggling to come to terms with your place in the realm of the living.

And though you pose me with a question of reality versus fiction - a battle between the product of a mere mortal's diseased imagination and the embodiment of pure Egyptian darkness - I see through your misdirection!

Yes, HUMMER, I can see clearly your cunning - yet amateur - attempt to deceive me, the Dark Father.

And yet I forgive you, HUMMER. I forgive you because I admire your tenacity. I forgive you because I admire your crafty subterfuge. And I forgive you because I just stepped away from The Big Party, and I am almost completely wasted.

Yes, HUMMER, though your question appears to be inquiring as to the final word on a battle between the fictional master of R'lyeh and myself, I have deciphered your true intent and I know that what you really want is for me, mighty Set, to assist you in learning PROPER ENGLISH GRAMMAR.

You see, HUMMER, your improperly structured question affirms my observation. Had you truly desired to ask such a thing, I expect you would have written it thus: "In a battle between yourself and Cthulhu, who would emerge the victor?"

But NAY! Your inadequate skills of literacy have BETRAYED your true intent! Your dark secret is now laid bare (like a tender, young boy) and only in this heinous, public humiliation can you even begin to hope to shed the burden of your errors and grow into a true and loyal follower of Sutekh.

The solution to your problems is straightforward, HUMMER.

For generations language has been passed down through verbal and written instruction. Somewhere along the way you have failed to heed the teachings of your elders - PRAY YOU HEED MY WORDS AND LEARN THEM WELL!

Many mortals are confident in their ability to communicate, however verbal communication is much looser (like a prom queen) than is the written word. To become a master of written english, follow these instructions carefully!

1) Meditate on the matter. Purge yourself of fear, concentrate on mastering your powers of writing, and touch yourself in an impure manner.
2) Go to the nearest liquor store. If you are true to my teachings, your heart will tell you what to do there.
3) Make a pilgrimage to a place of learning. The public library, or perhaps a nearby college.
4) Meet an english major or similarly educated individual (gender to your preference).

And the last, most important step:

5) Drink yourselves stupid, make your partner sign a contract in blood swearing eternal fealty to you and enforce it, binding them to the task of completing your writing assignments until the end of time.

Sure, perhaps some would disagree. "Get a proper education" they might say. "The benefits of studying outweigh the effort of doing it", your peers might argue.

NEVER QUESTION THE DARK FATHER!

There you have it, HUMMER. The solution to all your problems can be found at the bottom of a bottle (or perhaps in a small plastic baggie).

Go forth and do as I say!


Send Your Questions To Set!
dearset@gmail.com

Greetings, mortals!

Once again, one of my ever-faithful followers has turned to Set, the Dark Father, for guidance! Like many others, they too have had the courage to admit that they are not sure how to deal with the harrowing weight of the world! Well, fear not, dear servant, for I, the mighty Set, offer guidance!

Tonight's letter comes from someone particularly troubled:

Dear Set:

I think my step-brother is gay... and hitting on me.

please advise.

-Freaked Out

First off, dear servant, I recommend that you take high amounts of liquor and narcotics to help dull your obviously frazzled nerves! You can't go around making important decisions and serving your mighty dark lord while being so upset!

Now, as Freaked Out as you may seem, first understand the many, many false preconceptions you have fallen under! These, indeed, are the reasons why you have become so upset!

We shall start with the largest one, first. Homosexuality. Many who have grown up in the world that reinforces Judeo-Christian ideals think that such an idea is wrong. I assure you that such is not the case! "God" (that bastard who thinks he's so much better than all of his colleagues... I swear, if I had a dime for every Dieties Union meeting he's caused problems at, I'd... but I digress.) has merely crafted the idea that sex with anyone but those of the opposite gender is wrong as a means to control you! It is all propoganda! I, mighty God of the Underworld, do not judge you when you come to greet me and join the Big Party! No, for oft times those who are gay prove to be great additions to the Big Party! Shed your preconceptions! Rejoice that your step-brother has found his libido's calling! After all, you would not scorn him for desiring to place his penis into a nubile young virgin rear, WOULD YOU?! Hahaha, of course not!

Next.... so your Step-brother is hitting on you?! Is your step-brother attractive?! Are you saying that you are in no way Bi or Homosexual yourself? Not even curious?! In these desperate Final Nights, dear boy, you must fight desperately to explore all that which you have yet to! You must PENETRATE past the barriers society has built for you, and for the ones in your very mind! Only then can you truly discover the wonder of my teachings! This is what must be done! In accordance with the Prophecy!

Dear readers, let's take a moment and break through yet another false preconception that has developed in the Aeon's further attempts to CLOUD and CONFUSE your poor minds. That of INCEST.

Why the very BIBLE ITSELF does not suggest that it is wrong to love your brother and/or sister in such a way! Lo, MANY passages within that text describe it as necessary and the strongest love one can feel for another!

Nevermind the fact that we are talking about your Step-Brother, oh Freaked Out one. Therefore, you are not connected by blood! There, infact, IS NOT any incest involved! It is perfectly legal for step-siblings to marry! If you live in Canada you are doubly blessed, that should you and your-step brother decide to marry, you can! Not that the mighty Set condones the institute of marriage, but that is a matter for another night.

Although, a few words of caution, oh Freaked Out one:

Remember well the lessons of what transpired between I, the Dark God, and my petulant Nephew Horus! Beware of family you do not trust getting close to your Genitalia, or else you may soon be deprived of the joy it can give you!

Until next time, loyal servants.


Send Your Questions To Set!
dearset@gmail.com