Through the darkness and shadow, I have heard the voices of my loyal followers! The whispers in the night, the cries for salvation! The endless requests to make a beer run for minors, because none dare ask the voice of thunder for proof of age!
I have heard your callings, my children, and now I come before you again to expose you to my throbbing, enormous wisdom! Open wide your mouths and drink deep of my steaming knowledge!
Dear Set,
Who would win in a fight? You or Cthulhu?
-HUMMER
Ahhh, HUMMER. Again you come before me, seeking my guidance, struggling to come to terms with your place in the realm of the living.
And though you pose me with a question of reality versus fiction - a battle between the product of a mere mortal's diseased imagination and the embodiment of pure Egyptian darkness - I see through your misdirection!
Yes, HUMMER, I can see clearly your cunning - yet amateur - attempt to deceive me, the Dark Father.
And yet I forgive you, HUMMER. I forgive you because I admire your tenacity. I forgive you because I admire your crafty subterfuge. And I forgive you because I just stepped away from The Big Party, and I am almost completely wasted.
Yes, HUMMER, though your question appears to be inquiring as to the final word on a battle between the fictional master of R'lyeh and myself, I have deciphered your true intent and I know that what you really want is for me, mighty Set, to assist you in learning PROPER ENGLISH GRAMMAR.
You see, HUMMER, your improperly structured question affirms my observation. Had you truly desired to ask such a thing, I expect you would have written it thus: "In a battle between yourself and Cthulhu, who would emerge the victor?"
But NAY! Your inadequate skills of literacy have BETRAYED your true intent! Your dark secret is now laid bare (like a tender, young boy) and only in this heinous, public humiliation can you even begin to hope to shed the burden of your errors and grow into a true and loyal follower of Sutekh.
The solution to your problems is straightforward, HUMMER.
For generations language has been passed down through verbal and written instruction. Somewhere along the way you have failed to heed the teachings of your elders - PRAY YOU HEED MY WORDS AND LEARN THEM WELL!
Many mortals are confident in their ability to communicate, however verbal communication is much looser (like a prom queen) than is the written word. To become a master of written english, follow these instructions carefully!
1) Meditate on the matter. Purge yourself of fear, concentrate on mastering your powers of writing, and touch yourself in an impure manner.
2) Go to the nearest liquor store. If you are true to my teachings, your heart will tell you what to do there.
3) Make a pilgrimage to a place of learning. The public library, or perhaps a nearby college.
4) Meet an english major or similarly educated individual (gender to your preference).
And the last, most important step:
5) Drink yourselves stupid, make your partner sign a contract in blood swearing eternal fealty to you and enforce it, binding them to the task of completing your writing assignments until the end of time.
Sure, perhaps some would disagree. "Get a proper education" they might say. "The benefits of studying outweigh the effort of doing it", your peers might argue.
NEVER QUESTION THE DARK FATHER!
There you have it, HUMMER. The solution to all your problems can be found at the bottom of a bottle (or perhaps in a small plastic baggie).
Go forth and do as I say!
dearset@gmail.com
No comments:
Post a Comment