Many moons have passed since I availed my services to you!
For months have I waited, and now the day has come!
Yes, one of your own has stepped forward and admitted that, no, in fact, she is not a perfect, untroubled creature! That yes, she does require guidance and advice from one as knowing as the mighty Set!
Well worry not, mortals! For though Set has waited, watching you wallow in denial, consumed by woe and burdened by the horrors of the world, the dark father will not deny his loyal servants in their time of need!
Pay strict attention, my children, and learn from the trials of others, that you may all become stronger!
Behold! Set's Advice Column!
Dear Set,
I recently quit my job, leaving them high and dry, and me feeling satisfied. Very satisfied in fact. I even considered going back to burn down the building in a fit of spite. Now that the initial outburst is dying down, I feel a little guilty for wishing that my former manager died tragically in a freak sodomization auto-erotic asphyxiation accident, and even more guilty for not giving notice.
What should I do?
Also, what sort of job should I look into getting?
Worried,
Particularly Unsatisfied & Nastily Yearning - Help Understand My Assholish Nature!
First of all, PUNY HUMAN, let me congratulate you on a bold maneuver. Too many loyal followers of mighty Set find themselves locked into tragic, servile positions. Slaves to the dollar, they waste away as they yearn for little more than the next paycheque, never fully grasping that the endless chase for rent money has retarded them spiritually and stunted their ambition. By taking a chance and quitting your job, you have freed yourself from the first of society's nefarious shackles, much the same way that Isis fled from Apep.
To celebrate your new found freedom, I would suggest "The Big Party".
Not only will The Big Party allow you to be joined by friends to celebrate your triumph over the social order, but it will also dull the misplaced guilt that you feel over wishing ill on your employer.
That's right - misplaced guilt.
Does a pharaoh feel guilt when a slave dies during construction of a great pyramid? No.
Does Ra shed a tear when his heat and light slay families on the open desert? Surely not.
Did I feel pangs of guilt when I dismembered Osiris and spread his divided remains across Egypt? Ha ha ha, no PUNY HUMAN, of course not.
And thus, nor should you feel any guilt for wishing harm upon your own oppressor. In fact, your former employer should be grateful that you only went as far as to imagineharm befalling them. The shame and degradation of menial labour is more than enough justification for a good lashing out against the autocracy.
So feel good about your decision, PUNY HUMAN, you have done well.
Find strength in the comfort that only copious amounts of alcohol, mind altering narcotics, and pre-marital sex with multiple partners can provide. You've earned it!
As for your second question, regarding what sort of employment you should look into now, there are many, many options before you, and some of them aren't even inhumanly degrading.
All too often have I, the dark father, heard the same cries of sorrow: "Oh, mighty Set! I need a good paying job, but I don't have the many tens of thousands of dollars required to afford a decent post-secondary education!"
Children, you have looked too far! Everything you need is within you already!
For starters, consider that a healthy kidney will fetch upwards of $40,000 on the black market. That's more than twice what you stand to earn working full time at a demeaning, soul-crushing minimum-wage job.
But in these final nights, $40,000 doesn't go a very long way. Perhaps you want something that will keep money coming in on a more regular basis.
Many laboratories offer respectable wages to human test subjects. Do you suffer from chronic illness or headaches? Perhaps this is career for you! Get paid to be cured by the latest advances in medical science! And at the very least, take heart in the knowledge that what does not kill you makes you stronger.
Or perhaps a job that allows you to work from home? Set your own hours? Meet new and interesting people with interests similar to yours? Does this sound appealing to you? Then allow Set to suggest one of the most popular, time-honored and respected careers in the history of the human race!
First of all, you will want a large, comfortable bed, with several sets of clean sheets.
You must also familiarize yourself with the area near your home. Try to find a popular street corner, or perhaps spend time loitering outside a nearby nightclub. If you spend enough time waiting in places such as these, you will inevitably meet people willing to offer you money in exchange for goods...or services.
And that, PUNY HUMAN, is all the advice that mighty Set can offer you this night!
Your problems have become my problems, and together we have explored the solutions!
Now, lose yourself in The Big Party!
Because there is always tomorrow to worry about the things that trouble you.
dearset@gmail.com
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