Greetings mortals!

For the last few nights I have sat in wait. Hoping in vain for you to all realize the mighty, throbbing wisdom of my columns here. Hoping that my many worshippers would ascend to the glory of the Big Party, in accordance with the prophecy!

I have weathered the virginal whimperings of your many letters, finding in them only more reason to intoxicate myself (not that I am complaining, mind you)!

And yet! Here I find myself having found more worshippers, in thanks to the missions my loyal followers have decided to partake upon! Set, God of the Underworld, praises your dedication to the Big Party! The new, virginal members to my faith must now have their advice-needing cherries popped!

I was driven lucid recently by a missive sent by none other than one of my official fan club members! BEHOLD!

Dear Set;
i repent that i havent written soon.. but i'm dying.. my faith in you has failed me for the last time... please help by sending a big party.
;SetMember #488593 (since 1977)

...

As I said, I was driven lucid by the missive... and lo! It was horrible! Please make note, followers, that I shall be asking questions through my club to determine just WHO allowed such a crisis of faith that it had to be dealt with by the Dark Lord himself! Make note that head will have to be given in payment!

But I digress. Onward to the letter!

So, Member #488593.... or, for the sake of ease... SM. First, in order to achieve repentance for not having written earlier, I will demand you mail me THREE young nubile virgins. One to seduce, one to sacrifice... and the other, well for me to do whatever the hell I WANT! Please postmail the virgins to:

Set, God of Darkness
P.O. Box 462
Ombos, Egypt

Now, did I not say that this was an ADVICE column? Yet, you dare to make a request of me?! Nevermind, we'll get to the 'advice' which I see you to be in such desperate need of. I shall always ensure that my followers make their way on my road of orgasmic bliss.

You ask me for a Big Party? Poor boy, you should know by now that I cannot SEND you a big party! You must WILL it into being! Surely, such a veteran member of my followers would be aware of this! It is the only way for you to ascend on my Path!

Furthermore, exactly what position in my organization DO you hold, young mortal? I would have made the queries myself, but there are far to many virginal members of my followers to penetrate on a nightly basis for me to bother with the menial, un-arousing details. ANYWAY.

I leave you with this pulsating column for now, followers. Remember that the Dark Lord's hunger is constant, and I am in need of even MORE young nubile worshippers! Spread the word of my Engorged glory and advice! Prove to me the skill and greatness of my many members! Send me more questions! Go forth and do as I say!


Send Your Questions To Set!
dearset@gmail.com

Greetings mortals!
After a lengthy, highly medicated absence, I have returned!
Kneel and worship at my serpent!

For many moons I have heard your calling - your pleading for guidance, your begging for advice, and your skull-numbingly insulting questions that are clearly intended only to waste my time!

I'm a god of darkness! I have important things to do! Important things to drink! Important things to snort! Important people to molest!
But enough! I thought you were ready to be left on your own, to seek my strength within yourselves but I see I was mistaken!

YOUR DARK FATHER HAS RETURNED!

Appease me with gifts of gold and fellatio, and in turn I will answer your many queries!

Such as this one: (Sweet, merciless ME! This query is almost as ancient as the sands of Ombos!)

Majesty,

Hyopthetically, if one were to own a deli, and wish to name a sandwich after you, what would you desire to be on said sandwich?

Your servant,
Ed Staples

...I came all the way back to a lucid state...FOR THIS?

Do you know how long it takes to metabolize 69 pounds of pure Columbian...NEVER MIND!

First of all...Ed...if that is your real name...the Dark Father is a strong proponent of proper spelling. In the future, you will spell check all of your missives with the utmost of care. Or else I will put the wild hyenas on you and command them - COMMAND THEM - to gnaw your genitals into scraps of deli-owner JERKY.

HYPOTHETICALLY, if there were a HYPOTHETICAL sandwich named after me, it would be loaded with lettuce and that special sauce that Horus always puts on my lunch. I don't know. I think it's mayonnaise. And jackal. A nice roast jackal makes a damn fine sandwich worthy of Set's name.

That's right Anubis! I went there, you bastard!

And so, Ed Staples, this wondrous sauce-and-lettuce laden delectable would be best known as "THE TYPHON" - and it would carry a warning to all who would dare seek out it's delicious secrets.

And that warning would be "MAY CAUSE THE MEAT SWEATS".

As a hypothetical deli owner, dear Ed, I am certain that you are intimately familiar with the meat sweats, and your Dark Father, I, Set, God of Darkness, extend to you my sympathies. For even I, in my god-like largeness, have known the abdominal horrors that only meat overdoses can bring.

There! As promised, so has it come to pass! Your Dark Father is back, and the rest of your questions will be answered swiftly. So send more!


Send Your Questions To Set!
dearset@gmail.com

Greetings, mortals!

Through the darkness and shadow, I have heard the voices of my loyal followers! The whispers in the night, the cries for salvation! The endless requests to make a beer run for minors, because none dare ask the voice of thunder for proof of age!

I have heard your callings, my children, and now I come before you again to expose you to my throbbing, enormous wisdom! Open wide your mouths and drink deep of my steaming knowledge!

Dear Set,

Who would win in a fight? You or Cthulhu?

-HUMMER

Ahhh, HUMMER. Again you come before me, seeking my guidance, struggling to come to terms with your place in the realm of the living.

And though you pose me with a question of reality versus fiction - a battle between the product of a mere mortal's diseased imagination and the embodiment of pure Egyptian darkness - I see through your misdirection!

Yes, HUMMER, I can see clearly your cunning - yet amateur - attempt to deceive me, the Dark Father.

And yet I forgive you, HUMMER. I forgive you because I admire your tenacity. I forgive you because I admire your crafty subterfuge. And I forgive you because I just stepped away from The Big Party, and I am almost completely wasted.

Yes, HUMMER, though your question appears to be inquiring as to the final word on a battle between the fictional master of R'lyeh and myself, I have deciphered your true intent and I know that what you really want is for me, mighty Set, to assist you in learning PROPER ENGLISH GRAMMAR.

You see, HUMMER, your improperly structured question affirms my observation. Had you truly desired to ask such a thing, I expect you would have written it thus: "In a battle between yourself and Cthulhu, who would emerge the victor?"

But NAY! Your inadequate skills of literacy have BETRAYED your true intent! Your dark secret is now laid bare (like a tender, young boy) and only in this heinous, public humiliation can you even begin to hope to shed the burden of your errors and grow into a true and loyal follower of Sutekh.

The solution to your problems is straightforward, HUMMER.

For generations language has been passed down through verbal and written instruction. Somewhere along the way you have failed to heed the teachings of your elders - PRAY YOU HEED MY WORDS AND LEARN THEM WELL!

Many mortals are confident in their ability to communicate, however verbal communication is much looser (like a prom queen) than is the written word. To become a master of written english, follow these instructions carefully!

1) Meditate on the matter. Purge yourself of fear, concentrate on mastering your powers of writing, and touch yourself in an impure manner.
2) Go to the nearest liquor store. If you are true to my teachings, your heart will tell you what to do there.
3) Make a pilgrimage to a place of learning. The public library, or perhaps a nearby college.
4) Meet an english major or similarly educated individual (gender to your preference).

And the last, most important step:

5) Drink yourselves stupid, make your partner sign a contract in blood swearing eternal fealty to you and enforce it, binding them to the task of completing your writing assignments until the end of time.

Sure, perhaps some would disagree. "Get a proper education" they might say. "The benefits of studying outweigh the effort of doing it", your peers might argue.

NEVER QUESTION THE DARK FATHER!

There you have it, HUMMER. The solution to all your problems can be found at the bottom of a bottle (or perhaps in a small plastic baggie).

Go forth and do as I say!


Send Your Questions To Set!
dearset@gmail.com

Greetings, mortals!

Once again, one of my ever-faithful followers has turned to Set, the Dark Father, for guidance! Like many others, they too have had the courage to admit that they are not sure how to deal with the harrowing weight of the world! Well, fear not, dear servant, for I, the mighty Set, offer guidance!

Tonight's letter comes from someone particularly troubled:

Dear Set:

I think my step-brother is gay... and hitting on me.

please advise.

-Freaked Out

First off, dear servant, I recommend that you take high amounts of liquor and narcotics to help dull your obviously frazzled nerves! You can't go around making important decisions and serving your mighty dark lord while being so upset!

Now, as Freaked Out as you may seem, first understand the many, many false preconceptions you have fallen under! These, indeed, are the reasons why you have become so upset!

We shall start with the largest one, first. Homosexuality. Many who have grown up in the world that reinforces Judeo-Christian ideals think that such an idea is wrong. I assure you that such is not the case! "God" (that bastard who thinks he's so much better than all of his colleagues... I swear, if I had a dime for every Dieties Union meeting he's caused problems at, I'd... but I digress.) has merely crafted the idea that sex with anyone but those of the opposite gender is wrong as a means to control you! It is all propoganda! I, mighty God of the Underworld, do not judge you when you come to greet me and join the Big Party! No, for oft times those who are gay prove to be great additions to the Big Party! Shed your preconceptions! Rejoice that your step-brother has found his libido's calling! After all, you would not scorn him for desiring to place his penis into a nubile young virgin rear, WOULD YOU?! Hahaha, of course not!

Next.... so your Step-brother is hitting on you?! Is your step-brother attractive?! Are you saying that you are in no way Bi or Homosexual yourself? Not even curious?! In these desperate Final Nights, dear boy, you must fight desperately to explore all that which you have yet to! You must PENETRATE past the barriers society has built for you, and for the ones in your very mind! Only then can you truly discover the wonder of my teachings! This is what must be done! In accordance with the Prophecy!

Dear readers, let's take a moment and break through yet another false preconception that has developed in the Aeon's further attempts to CLOUD and CONFUSE your poor minds. That of INCEST.

Why the very BIBLE ITSELF does not suggest that it is wrong to love your brother and/or sister in such a way! Lo, MANY passages within that text describe it as necessary and the strongest love one can feel for another!

Nevermind the fact that we are talking about your Step-Brother, oh Freaked Out one. Therefore, you are not connected by blood! There, infact, IS NOT any incest involved! It is perfectly legal for step-siblings to marry! If you live in Canada you are doubly blessed, that should you and your-step brother decide to marry, you can! Not that the mighty Set condones the institute of marriage, but that is a matter for another night.

Although, a few words of caution, oh Freaked Out one:

Remember well the lessons of what transpired between I, the Dark God, and my petulant Nephew Horus! Beware of family you do not trust getting close to your Genitalia, or else you may soon be deprived of the joy it can give you!

Until next time, loyal servants.


Send Your Questions To Set!
dearset@gmail.com

Greetings, mortals!

Once more I find myself summoned to the aid of my loyal followers, drawn forth from beyond the shadow to put your burning minds - and tender, nubile bodies - at ease.

Gather 'round, my children, bask in the knowledge and experience that I, Set, the dark father, have to offer. Rejoice in the wisdom that I am about to impart to you!

Dear Set,

Supposing truth is a woman--what then?

-Friedrich Nietzsche

Ahhh, it seems that one among you wishes to draw Him Who Is Called Sutekh into a lesson in philosophy.

First of all, for shame, my child!

Rather than attempting to amuse Set by signing your query with a signature that translates into a humourous acronym, you have opted to mask your identity behind the name of a dead man.

NEVER ATTEMPT TO DECEIVE THE DARK FATHER!

As lord of the underworld (once Anubis, the filthy mongrel, had been displaced), I am intimately familiar with many who have passed beyond to become one with eternity. I am well acquainted with the one you know as Nietzsche, and his current state of...er...endless partying. Yes, the underworld is one Big Party, or course. As it is said, so shall it always be! My will be done!

But I digress. Despite your ruse - which speaks volumes of your failure to adhere to my teachings - perhaps you feel as though this question and its answer have a particular value to your continued quest for knowledge and power and The Big Party. Come child, and let us examine it.

Since I cannot in good conscience refer to you as Friedrich Nietzsche, I hereby dub you "Hidden Underneath My Mediocre, Erroneous Ruse". Or HUMMER for short.

BUT BE WARNED, HUMMER! Mighty Set knows all, and your secrets will be laid bare in the exploration of this puzzle, in accordance with the prophecy!

First of all, we must ask ourselves, what is TRUTH?

It is defined as "Conformity to fact or actuality" or "A statement proven to be or accepted as true".

But is a dictionary a source you feel you can trust? Perhaps you think, "Of course it is, Mighty Set!"

AHA! YOUR FIRST FALLACY! You only believe the dictionary to be an honest, trustworthy fount of information because years of social engineering and library propaganda have brainwashed you into believing so! In order to truly understand "truth", you cannot look to books for a pat and "easy-to-digest-on-a-lettuce-salad" answer! You must look within yourself, your own experiences and hardships. You can only believe two things: 1) What you have experienced yourself and know to be true. and 2) Mighty Set and all his wisdom.

With that said, perhaps we must examine the particular quote from the writings of Mr.Nietzsche that you have chosen, and why you have chosen it.

It is, after all, a well known fact that Nietzsche was something of a misogynist. I cannot begin to tell you how many parties the bastard has ruined once he's had a few shots of Jägermeister...I DIGRESS!

The particular phrasing of the question implies that truth being a woman might be a disagreeable position. "What then?" is the voice of hopelessness, the implication that all might be lost of truth were revealed to be a woman.

Coming from a misogynist, that seems a reasonable conclusion, but it indicates that the querant - the asker of the questions - might abandon all hope when faced with the truth, should he or she discover that it was not the truth they were looking for.

Yes, already you see how keen my insight is. My incredible mind has already penetrated to the core of the issue, much like a drunken frat boy and his date at the end of prom night.

The matter at hand is your quest for answers and (as noted from your deceptive nature) your quest for identity.

You are afraid, HUMMER, that when the truth you are seeking is finally revealed to you, that you may not be able to bear it's awful goodness. That the truth may be too horrible to live with.

Well, fear not, loyal servant! Set has the answer!

In all of our weeks, there comes a time when a man (or woman) must seize his (or her) destiny. When that time comes (usually on the weekend) there is only one truth. One answer. One solution to all of ones worldly burdens.

The Big Party.

Invite some friends over, HUMMER. Get some cheap wine - two or three bottles per person should be adequate - some sexually appealing subjects, and let your instinct take over. Drown your worries in alcohol and narcotics! Free yourself from the power that your shame has over you, only then can you be truly free!

So to sum up, to bring it all back to the beginning, HUMMER, let me reiterate your question.

Supposing truth is a woman--what then?

Have drunken monkey sex with her, HUMMER.


Send Your Questions To Set!
dearset@gmail.com

Greetings, mortals!

Yet again, one of your own has stepped forward and admitted that, no, infact, he is not a perfect, untroubled creature! That yes, he does require guidance and advice from one as knowing as the mighty Set!

Well worry not, mortals! The time has once more come for Set to help his loyal servants alleviate themselves of the burdens and horrors of the world!

Pay strict attention, my children, and learn from the trials of others, that you may become stronger!

Behold! Set's Advice Column!

Dear Set,

I've foolishly roped myself into another e-debate. My friend was talking about Nietzsche on the forums and we were laughing and having a good time. But then he made some side remark about Kierkegaard as well. And then some other guy came in and poo-pooed Kierkegaard.

Now, I'm all for differences of opinion and all, but this guy hasn't read any of his (Kierkegaard's...or Nietzsche's for that matter) books. And more importantly a glance at his profile shows the pretentious git for who he is. Anyways, you know how these things happen, I jumped right in and tore a strip off him.

My friend loved it, but the guy kept on being as ignorant as he was before, asking if I'd even read the sources I quoted. Dear Set, why do I keep doing this? Is not the enlightenment of others a noble practice?

-Stupefied at People's Amazing Moronity

Well, SPAM, while your attempts to enlighten others is admirable, I know all too well how frustrating it can become when faced with others' unwillingness to learn. First off, I suggest enjoying a long night of drunken debauchery to take your mind off of it. Maybe make that a full week of it, actually. Be sure to bring your friend along with you in your adventures as well.

Second, remember that the Aeons are tricky and dangerous opponents for you to face in your ever-loyal servitude to your Dark Lord. Even the seemingly most noble of causes can turn into a trap set by them to try and ensnare you away from the mighty Set's love! While discussing philosophies is never frowned upon by your Dark Lord, remember well the tenets of your Path...

• Immerse yourself in whatever you hate, fear or shun, that it may not hold power over you.
• Tempt, confuse and degrade others, that they may recognize their own limitations and seek to overcome them.

Not sure on how to accomplish this? Fear not! The mighty Set offers helpful examples!

First, I suggest apolagizing for your behaviour! That's right. Next, become his new best friend. He'll think better of you for (falsely) admitting that he is superior in his knowledge and wit, and therefore come to trust you, and through time you will also gain helpful hints and information on your new tar... err... friend! Through this, you will quickly become immersed in whatever passes for his circle of friends, which can then be used to confuse, degrade, and tempt him!

But that's not all! By spending time with such a pretentious git as he, you will test yourself! To help initially acclimate yourself, I recommend dealing with him mostly while intoxicated in some way or another. Preferably many different ways at a time.

If fortune smiles on you, not only will you have recruited yet another member to our cause, but you will have successfully met yet another challenge that the disgusting Aeons have placed before you! Once again, proving your strength of will in serving the mighty Set!

But enough of these worries, SPAM. This is all the advice that mighty Set can offer you this Night!

Your problems have become my problems, and together we have explored the solutions!

Now, lose yourself in The Big Party!
Because there is always tomorrow to worry about the things that trouble you.

Send Your Questions To Set!
dearset@gmail.com

Greetings, mortals!

Many moons have passed since I availed my services to you!

For months have I waited, and now the day has come!

Yes, one of your own has stepped forward and admitted that, no, in fact, she is not a perfect, untroubled creature! That yes, she does require guidance and advice from one as knowing as the mighty Set!

Well worry not, mortals! For though Set has waited, watching you wallow in denial, consumed by woe and burdened by the horrors of the world, the dark father will not deny his loyal servants in their time of need!

Pay strict attention, my children, and learn from the trials of others, that you may all become stronger!

Behold! Set's Advice Column!

Dear Set,

I recently quit my job, leaving them high and dry, and me feeling satisfied. Very satisfied in fact. I even considered going back to burn down the building in a fit of spite. Now that the initial outburst is dying down, I feel a little guilty for wishing that my former manager died tragically in a freak sodomization auto-erotic asphyxiation accident, and even more guilty for not giving notice.

What should I do?

Also, what sort of job should I look into getting?

Worried,
 Particularly Unsatisfied & Nastily Yearning - Help Understand My Assholish Nature!

First of all, PUNY HUMAN, let me congratulate you on a bold maneuver. Too many loyal followers of mighty Set find themselves locked into tragic, servile positions. Slaves to the dollar, they waste away as they yearn for little more than the next paycheque, never fully grasping that the endless chase for rent money has retarded them spiritually and stunted their ambition. By taking a chance and quitting your job, you have freed yourself from the first of society's nefarious shackles, much the same way that Isis fled from Apep.

To celebrate your new found freedom, I would suggest "The Big Party".

Not only will The Big Party allow you to be joined by friends to celebrate your triumph over the social order, but it will also dull the misplaced guilt that you feel over wishing ill on your employer.

That's right - misplaced guilt.

Does a pharaoh feel guilt when a slave dies during construction of a great pyramid? No.
Does Ra shed a tear when his heat and light slay families on the open desert? Surely not.
Did I feel pangs of guilt when I dismembered Osiris and spread his divided remains across Egypt? Ha ha ha, no PUNY HUMAN, of course not.

And thus, nor should you feel any guilt for wishing harm upon your own oppressor. In fact, your former employer should be grateful that you only went as far as to imagineharm befalling them. The shame and degradation of menial labour is more than enough justification for a good lashing out against the autocracy.

So feel good about your decision, PUNY HUMAN, you have done well.

Find strength in the comfort that only copious amounts of alcohol, mind altering narcotics, and pre-marital sex with multiple partners can provide. You've earned it!

As for your second question, regarding what sort of employment you should look into now, there are many, many options before you, and some of them aren't even inhumanly degrading.

All too often have I, the dark father, heard the same cries of sorrow: "Oh, mighty Set! I need a good paying job, but I don't have the many tens of thousands of dollars required to afford a decent post-secondary education!"

Children, you have looked too far! Everything you need is within you already!

For starters, consider that a healthy kidney will fetch upwards of $40,000 on the black market. That's more than twice what you stand to earn working full time at a demeaning, soul-crushing minimum-wage job.

But in these final nights, $40,000 doesn't go a very long way. Perhaps you want something that will keep money coming in on a more regular basis.

Many laboratories offer respectable wages to human test subjects. Do you suffer from chronic illness or headaches? Perhaps this is career for you! Get paid to be cured by the latest advances in medical science! And at the very least, take heart in the knowledge that what does not kill you makes you stronger.

Or perhaps a job that allows you to work from home? Set your own hours? Meet new and interesting people with interests similar to yours? Does this sound appealing to you? Then allow Set to suggest one of the most popular, time-honored and respected careers in the history of the human race!

First of all, you will want a large, comfortable bed, with several sets of clean sheets.
You must also familiarize yourself with the area near your home. Try to find a popular street corner, or perhaps spend time loitering outside a nearby nightclub. If you spend enough time waiting in places such as these, you will inevitably meet people willing to offer you money in exchange for goods...or services.

And that, PUNY HUMAN, is all the advice that mighty Set can offer you this night!

Your problems have become my problems, and together we have explored the solutions!

Now, lose yourself in The Big Party!
Because there is always tomorrow to worry about the things that trouble you.



Send Your Questions To Set!
dearset@gmail.com