Greetings, mortals!

Through the echoing halls of altered perception do I hear your cries! Whispering like the winds across the golden sands from Ombos to Nubia, like fingers gliding across curves of flesh that bring to mind the shapely borders of the Nile!

Yes, my loyal followers, Mighty Set, Sutekh of the Underworld, has journeyed through the chaos and storm again to bring hope to the hopeless, joy to the joyless, clues for the clueless, and booze for those who "forgot their ID at home and look young but are TOTALLY 21, dude, it's cool, for realz".

You pray for answers, wisdom, guidance and earth-shattering orgasms, and Set is here to make those prayers and dreams reality - sometimes two or three times a night, maybe more if I'm chasing Vicodin with Viagra.

To my most beloved Dark One,

A humble servants begs for her Master's words of wisdom. there is a man that i desire above all else. he is pure of heart (or so he claims) and something within me -must- corrupt him. So far i have been unable to find his weakness. What is the key to the depths of a man's most dark desires? i await your wise words and guidance...

- anqet

Ahh, dear follower - in seeking anonymity you have done well in choosing an alias!

Ahh, Anuket...those were some good times. Fertility goddess. And the personification of the Nile! I mean, c'mon! A river goddess! She's always wet! Seriously, no waiting! I digress!

False Anqet - you pose an excellent query. For too long the lies about the way to a man's heart being his stomach have been propagated by the ignorant, unwashed masses. One look at the lineup at McDonalds will prove that most men are already taking that matter into their own hands. If you know what I mean. And I think you do. Masturbation.

So yes, dear False Anqet, you have minded your path well in taking these tentative steps to TRULY owning and commanding the heart of your lust object. A pure heart is an empty heart, and an empty heart must runneth over with steaming hot love!

The first thing you must do in order to properly bring this creature into the fold, so to speak, is to observe him in a carefully arranged controlled environment. We will invoke the Scientific Method and introduce the subject to a particular setting and monitor how he reacts.

For this first experiment, I recommend
The Big Party.

First, acquire a recording device of some kind - tape recorder, digital audio recorder, or similar device. Establish a minimum safe distance and do not break it.

Over the course of The Big Party, you will proceed to get well and truly trashed. Nevertheless, you must remain vigilant and record everything that you observe about your subject: behaviour, posture, drinking habits, friends, acquaintances, reactions to advances from others (excluding yourself, False Anqet! You must have a modicum of patience, for this night you are playing the role of the passive observer so that in the future your subject may play the role of active oral sex provider).

When you have regained the full use of your faculties (five or six days following The Big Party, if you coordinated The Big Party correctly), analyze your data. (As an aside, a notebook is inadequate for this kind of work, as you will likely lose the use of your hands about halfway through The Big Party if you are doing The Big Party correctly).

How did the subject react? Was he wooed by the advances of other participants? If so, he may not be as pure as you were inclined to believe. Did he imbibe alcohol, narcotics, prescription drugs, over the counter cough syrup, household cleaning agents, amphibian excretions, or other mind or body affecting substances? If so, how long did his willpower hold out? If not, was it because you did not have enough substances on hand? And if you did have enough substances on hand, who is your supplier? Because I'm always looking for new names to add to my book of suppliers.

Where was I? Ah yes! Once the data has been analyzed, you should have a significant amount of material to work with regarding your masturbatory fantasy object. Which means you are ready for Step The Second.

Lure the poor, doomed soul to your dwelling under false pretenses. Bible Study, Abstinence Anniversary Celebratory Dinner, or Kevin Sorbo Movie Marathon are all good suggestions for drawing in the pure, misguided and naive.

Once your subject is within your domicile, he will likely wonder where the other guests are. Provide him with your most potent lies - You don't know, Car trouble, Irritable Bowel, All killed in a freak cholera outbreak...these are all excellent ideas. Try to put his mind at ease. Allow him to get comfortable on the couch. Offer him drinks. If he resists alcohol, offer him water or fruit juice. When he finally relents, use your sojourn to the kitchen to get the handcuffs and silk rope you have stashed there in preparation for this meeting.

Instead of returning with the promised refreshments, creep up behind your subject and bind him to the couch. Use the handcuffs to minimize struggling.

An alternate method here is to pretend you have dropped something under the couch, and when you stoop in front of him to retrieve it, draw the handcuffs from their hiding place beneath the couch and cuff his ankles together. This will prevent him from running away, and will buy you ample time to carefully secure his wrists.

And with your lust object bound in your home, the doors locked and the threat of disturbance orchestrated to the absolute minimum, you are ready for the final component, the true answer to your question, False Anqet:

To truly glean the darkest desires of your subject is folly! If your subject is pure of heart, then he has no dark desires to draw out!

Therefore, your only course of action is to force YOUR darkest desires upon HIM, over and over and over again until he is reduced to a trembling, flaccid shell of a man, and you crawl off of him, knees shaking, heart racing, the culmination of your hard work running down your thighs, clinging to your chin, and mixing with the sweat on your glistening cleavage.

Yes, False Anqet, once he has been properly introduced to the darkest desires of a loyal follower, then, and ONLY then, will his shattered mind begin to rebuild itself in my terrible image, formulating carnal dreams and narcotic cocktails of it's own.

Only then will he be prepared to embrace MY throbbing glory, and it will be YOUR responsibility to convince him that my glory can be found within YOUR willing orifices!

So it is said, so shall it be done! In accordance with the prophecy, I command you to heed my wise teachings and to forward all video footage to ME, so that I may be certain you have done my bidding to the letter! (If you have any hot friends, I suggest you get them to handle the camera, as you will likely have your hands full!)



Send Your Questions (and pornographic home videos) To Set!
dearset@gmail.com

Greetings, mortals!

For you, many days have passed since last I graced you with my awe-inspiring presence and fearsome manhood.

Time as you earthly beasts know it is such a fickle thing! A day to you is like the blink of an eye to me! A week on earth is but a pensive moment in Duat! A year of growth, change and earthly delights is like a weekend bender fueled by cheap hooch and mountains of opium, ending in a tremendous orgy that shakes the desert and stirs sandstorms from Ombos to...I don't know...Tutun...that ends in a group orgasm that shakes the pillars of heaven!

Oh yeah, that's good. What was I saying? Right! Two years later for you horrible, aging things! When truly you embrace The Big Party you will never grow old, and you'll never die.

Wait, no, that's The Lost Boys.

When truly you embrace The Big Party, you will wreck shit up, BIG TIME! And have no recollection of it the next morning!

And that is pretty much why it has taken me so long to hear the calling of your collective voices, to stir myself back to lucidity (and turgidity, for those of you who are interested) and to answer this plea for aid:

Dear Set,

I am 19 years old and have been a member of the sisterhood for a year now. It has been a long year doing God's work. Helping orphans raising funds for the church. It has been hard work, but it was worth it. Or so I thought. Recently, I ran into some of my friends from high school and they were telling me about their lives. It made me begin to wonder if I was missing something in life. I've tried to put it out of my mind but it keeps coming back to haunt me. By giving my life to God have I missed out on some important things in life? I haven't even known the touch of a man, let alone the miracle of childbirth. Are there more things I am missing out on due to the call of God If I have these kinds of questions, what should I do?

Distraught in God's Temple

My dear child, first allow me to forgive you for writing to me. You must be 21 now, which is good and legal in every part of the world, and thus you should have known better than to write to me until this time. But it's okay - Set loves you...deeply...repeatedly...um...and I forgive you.

Second, I will also forgive you for not attaching photos of yourself. This manner of advice is extraordinarily difficult without some sort of visual starting point. For the purposes of this column, I will be imagining you as a blonde-haired lass, pure of heart, and clothed in a form-fitting latex habit. I'm pretty sure that's what most women of the cloth wear these days. If you aren't wearing such garments, I recommend you speak to your superior, as your sisterhood is behind in the times.

For more information on how Set, Egyptian Lord of the Underworld can modernize your church, nunnery, convent, monastery, bath house, massage parlour, place of worship or whorehouse, please send $5 to Set, PO Box 462, Ombos, Egypt

Now that that is out of the way, take my hand my young, pure, clean girl and let us seek out the answers together. To begin, I will answer you last question first: If you have these kinds of questions, what should you do?

My child, you have already done what you need to do - you have put your faith and trust in ME, Set, the Dark Father, and laid your soul bare. So now we can proceed to laying the rest of you bare.

I know your concern, as I have felt it in many of my own followers! The exclusive worship of a singular deity is a difficult decision to make, and an even more difficult choice to adhere to. In these modern times you have it very easy, as your options are quite limited. At the height of Egypt's power (or Rome's or Greece's, for that matter) there were vast pantheons to choose from - how could anyone just pick one where they all look (and taste...) so good?

Have you missed out on important things in life by giving your life to God? DEFINITELY!

I met that guy a few times - what a DICK. He's all, "I love you" and "Trust in me for I am the Alpha and the Omega". But then does he call the next day? NO. And let me tell you, the time between the Alpha and the Omega is pretty brief. Definitely not worth the prep time or the cost of the lube.

Perhaps the better question to ask yourself is, "What has God given to me?"

You've given him money (raising funds for the church), followers (helping orphans), faith and time. And what has been your earthly reward? Inner turmoil. Feelings of loss and emptiness. Abstinence from the delights that earthbound existence offers.

Yes, DiGT - hmm...your acronym is awful. I shall assign you a new name.

Yes, Latex Nun, you have missed much by giving your life to God, because the Judeo-Christian God is the wrong one. You speak to him, but he doesn't listen.

But Set listens.

Yes, Latex Nun, I have much to offer you in exchange for...paltry, nearly insignificant sacrifices on your behalf.

Renounce your devotion to the so-called "One True God" (One True Ego is more like it!) and put your faith - and supple, young flesh - in Set's hands!

But Set, I hear you ask, how shall I do this?

Ah, children, gather 'round and I will impart to you an easy to follow guide to accepting Set as your personal Dark Father.

Step 1: Renounce your faith to your current deity of choice. Call Him, Her or It a "rotten bastard". Give them the finger. Thrust your pelvis in an obscene manner while blaspheming.

Step 2: Touch yourself in an impure manner. Take photos of the act. Forward copies to dearset@gmail.com

Step 3: Call up all your friends (anyone who will listen) and tell them that they are invited to The Big Party.(Forward invitations to dearset@gmail.com).

Step 4: Steal all the communion wine you can get your hands on. It's cool, Jesus can make more. They won't miss it.

Step 5: The Big Party.

But what, you ask, should The Big Party entail? That is up to you, my child. Just hold The Big Party in my name, and all will become clear to you (for a little while...after a few bottles of that communion wine, things will no longer be very clear, but that's okay).

There! Set's word is spoken, let Set's will be done!

I will entail to answer more of your questions, but Set cannot make any promises!




Send Your Questions (and naked photos) To Set!
dearset@gmail.com