For you, many days have passed since last I graced you with my awe-inspiring presence and fearsome manhood.
Time as you earthly beasts know it is such a fickle thing! A day to you is like the blink of an eye to me! A week on earth is but a pensive moment in Duat! A year of growth, change and earthly delights is like a weekend bender fueled by cheap hooch and mountains of opium, ending in a tremendous orgy that shakes the desert and stirs sandstorms from Ombos to...I don't know...Tutun...that ends in a group orgasm that shakes the pillars of heaven!
Oh yeah, that's good. What was I saying? Right! Two years later for you horrible, aging things! When truly you embrace The Big Party you will never grow old, and you'll never die.
Wait, no, that's The Lost Boys.
When truly you embrace The Big Party, you will wreck shit up, BIG TIME! And have no recollection of it the next morning!
And that is pretty much why it has taken me so long to hear the calling of your collective voices, to stir myself back to lucidity (and turgidity, for those of you who are interested) and to answer this plea for aid:
Dear Set,
I am 19 years old and have been a member of the sisterhood for a year now. It has been a long year doing God's work. Helping orphans raising funds for the church. It has been hard work, but it was worth it. Or so I thought. Recently, I ran into some of my friends from high school and they were telling me about their lives. It made me begin to wonder if I was missing something in life. I've tried to put it out of my mind but it keeps coming back to haunt me. By giving my life to God have I missed out on some important things in life? I haven't even known the touch of a man, let alone the miracle of childbirth. Are there more things I am missing out on due to the call of God If I have these kinds of questions, what should I do?
Distraught in God's Temple
My dear child, first allow me to forgive you for writing to me. You must be 21 now, which is good and legal in every part of the world, and thus you should have known better than to write to me until this time. But it's okay - Set loves you...deeply...repeatedly...um...and I forgive you.
Second, I will also forgive you for not attaching photos of yourself. This manner of advice is extraordinarily difficult without some sort of visual starting point. For the purposes of this column, I will be imagining you as a blonde-haired lass, pure of heart, and clothed in a form-fitting latex habit. I'm pretty sure that's what most women of the cloth wear these days. If you aren't wearing such garments, I recommend you speak to your superior, as your sisterhood is behind in the times.
For more information on how Set, Egyptian Lord of the Underworld can modernize your church, nunnery, convent, monastery, bath house, massage parlour, place of worship or whorehouse, please send $5 to Set, PO Box 462, Ombos, Egypt
Now that that is out of the way, take my hand my young, pure, clean girl and let us seek out the answers together. To begin, I will answer you last question first: If you have these kinds of questions, what should you do?
My child, you have already done what you need to do - you have put your faith and trust in ME, Set, the Dark Father, and laid your soul bare. So now we can proceed to laying the rest of you bare.
I know your concern, as I have felt it in many of my own followers! The exclusive worship of a singular deity is a difficult decision to make, and an even more difficult choice to adhere to. In these modern times you have it very easy, as your options are quite limited. At the height of Egypt's power (or Rome's or Greece's, for that matter) there were vast pantheons to choose from - how could anyone just pick one where they all look (and taste...) so good?
Have you missed out on important things in life by giving your life to God? DEFINITELY!
I met that guy a few times - what a DICK. He's all, "I love you" and "Trust in me for I am the Alpha and the Omega". But then does he call the next day? NO. And let me tell you, the time between the Alpha and the Omega is pretty brief. Definitely not worth the prep time or the cost of the lube.
Perhaps the better question to ask yourself is, "What has God given to me?"
You've given him money (raising funds for the church), followers (helping orphans), faith and time. And what has been your earthly reward? Inner turmoil. Feelings of loss and emptiness. Abstinence from the delights that earthbound existence offers.
Yes, DiGT - hmm...your acronym is awful. I shall assign you a new name.
Yes, Latex Nun, you have missed much by giving your life to God, because the Judeo-Christian God is the wrong one. You speak to him, but he doesn't listen.
But Set listens.
Yes, Latex Nun, I have much to offer you in exchange for...paltry, nearly insignificant sacrifices on your behalf.
Renounce your devotion to the so-called "One True God" (One True Ego is more like it!) and put your faith - and supple, young flesh - in Set's hands!
But Set, I hear you ask, how shall I do this?
Ah, children, gather 'round and I will impart to you an easy to follow guide to accepting Set as your personal Dark Father.
Step 1: Renounce your faith to your current deity of choice. Call Him, Her or It a "rotten bastard". Give them the finger. Thrust your pelvis in an obscene manner while blaspheming.
Step 2: Touch yourself in an impure manner. Take photos of the act. Forward copies to dearset@gmail.com
Step 3: Call up all your friends (anyone who will listen) and tell them that they are invited to The Big Party.(Forward invitations to dearset@gmail.com).
Step 4: Steal all the communion wine you can get your hands on. It's cool, Jesus can make more. They won't miss it.
Step 5: The Big Party.
But what, you ask, should The Big Party entail? That is up to you, my child. Just hold The Big Party in my name, and all will become clear to you (for a little while...after a few bottles of that communion wine, things will no longer be very clear, but that's okay).
There! Set's word is spoken, let Set's will be done!
I will entail to answer more of your questions, but Set cannot make any promises!
dearset@gmail.com
